Formulating opinions based on little or no information regarding the subject matter is something I thought I rarely did. I guess it was my former occupation as an investigator that over and over again proved to me that it was wise and prudent to reserve judgment until all the facts were accumulated and analyzed. Early in my life, that was sometimes a lesson learned the hard way but one which I later held in high regard; at least I thought I did.
After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I may have been unfairly critical of you, God, following the death of my wife, Robin. Many factors contributed to my actions and the slanderous comments made regarding your name and reputation. I now freely acknowledge that as a mere mortal; I let my emotions rule my words.
I now make use of this public forum to acknowledge my previous transgressions and retract any defamatory remarks I may have made toward you. I swear by all that is in heaven above that it was never my intent to convince others to sway to my way of thinking. I was angry, confused and, yes, afraid and I readily admit that I allowed those human emotions to cloud my mind. Sadly, fear is an emotion that does that to us mortals.
I am so very, very tired and maybe my rush to judgment could have been due to weariness, but then I have never been one to blame my shortcomings on extenuating factors. Therefore, I assume any and all responsibility for the harsh words directed at you. I now realize they were unfair.
I now admit that if I was to question Robin's death, it would be about what I perceived as the inappropriate timing, the early termination of service, not the death itself for each of us must die. I must, therefore, discuss that timing and my knowledge, or lack thereof, of the grand scheme of things -- the chance that life may have a rhythm of its own.
If asked about that grand scheme, I must readily admit that I know nary a thing and I must, therefore, defer any decisions to God. Even if the passing of my best friend was just a random and not an orchestrated event; I still can't assign any blame. So I now find that I should not have blamed you, the great creator, for her death and it took me six long and lonely years to realize one thing. If my wife's death was not a random occurrence but rather your wish, you must surely know more than I do. There, that's all I have to say about that, your judgment.
I suppose I'm authoring this bit of writing because, well, because my conscious got the better of me. You see, I've always had this inescapable compulsion to set the record straight, to never leave things broken or spoiled and my sentiments about you and your lack of involvement in Robin's passing needed to be addressed, and to that end, those once sheltered feelings have now been attended to.
I went to visit Robin's grave the other day. It was a cool and quiet autumn morning and I detected not even the slightest of breeze. It seems to me that the wind might have a more calm nature on cool autumn mornings but maybe that's not so.
I sat with Robin for a while and I talked while she quietly listened. As always, I talked about my life and told her how much I missed her.
"I know that this won't come as any surprise to you but I have been wrong. Although I can find no rhyme or reason to life and particularly the occurrences of the past 325 weeks, my ignorance has been the fault of no one. As much as I would like to cast blame on someone for your passing, I have finally realized that your death was just part of what we call life; you would someday die and so will I. There are times when I wonder how much sweeter life would be if you hadn't died; well, I guess that's just wishful thinking isn't it.
"It's funny but I find that I can now see more clearly. The reason for my being seems less important than the things I do while I am here. This thing we all call life has become less, not more ambiguous; and all of this has made my existence far less complicated.
"Like all of us, I don't know what lies in store for me, but I have now come to understand that I must deal with whatsoever it is I believe I can accept, whatever obstacles life places in my path. Sometimes realizing that I'm not meant to understand, not meant to have all the answers, is OK.
"I am now forced to confess that I have lived my life with unrealistic expectations. For every question, I believed there was an answer and, although I'll continue my pursuit of those remedies, I must acknowledge that some questions must remain unanswered, and I now believe I can live with that reality.
"I know you are gone as on that warm July morning of now some years ago I watched you leave. I watched the warmth, and, yes, the life leave your still body and, as the angels with gilded wings lifted your very soul to the heavens above, I said, 'Goodbye.' As you rose into that blue early morning sky, my last breath went with you. Now, I find that I have no blame left to give."
Well, there I've said my piece and I hope there are no hard feelings. Who knows, perhaps, just perhaps, you, God and I, may someday become friends. One may never have too many good and true friends. May you help me see a world like one I've never before seen.
Stan Fine is a retired police officer and Verizon Security Department investigator who, after retiring in 2006, moved from Tampa, Fla., to Noel, Mo. Stan's connection to Noel can be traced back to his grandparents who lived most of their lives there. Stan began writing after the passing of his wife Robin in 2013. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 11/14/2019